Sleepwalker by Kathleen Frazier

Author:Kathleen Frazier
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2015-01-01T05:00:00+00:00

FÜR ELISE

I did well at Circle-in-the-Square and showed great promise until, eventually, my performance reputation turned hit or miss. I could not consistently access my feelings. My illness had caused a crack in my psyche, or maybe a crack in my psyche had caused my illness. Either way, the fissure ran as deep and as far back as when I took those first unconscious nocturnal steps. Days filled with nonstop performance classes left my concentration teetering like a toddler’s in need of a nap. I knew I was tired but denied the toll.

It baffled me why sometimes my work was brilliant and other times, not so much. Nikos Psacharopoulos had used the “b” word to describe my acting in his scene study class. He was our toughest instructor, who also taught at Yale and ran the most prestigious summer theatre in the country, Williamstown Theatre Festival, where Fred Haney had interned. I was overjoyed at his praise, hoping to be chosen to join him in Massachusetts the following season. However, halfway through my next scene, he barked his infamous, “Stop! What do you think you’re doing?” I was heartbroken when he didn’t award me an internship. All of my teachers acknowledged my talent but were wary. My inconsistency was a red flag and they wouldn’t risk their reputations by recommending me for professional parts. I had acted the role of Invisible Girl for so long that I was clueless how to stop it, on stage or off. Fatigue affected every aspect of my life including my ability to understand, let alone trust my creative instincts.

While still in school, I auditioned for the soap opera Guiding Light. I was called back and put on tape. Casting for the contracted, principal role narrowed to between me and another girl. I didn’t get it. A few weeks later, the casting director, Betty Rae, left me a message on my answering service late one day for what would have been my first professional speaking role on the next day’s taping. It was a small part, a “five and under,” which meant five or fewer lines. Acting, like any other business, is about building relationships. I missed her message. I’d been catching up on sleep that afternoon and retrieved it too late—after business hours. They’d hired someone else. She never called again.

Claudette Colbert, who began her career on Broadway and won the Academy Award for It Happened One Night, came to speak to my class. She’d been enjoying a resurgence of her theatrical career, earning a Sarah Siddons Award at the age of seventy-seven in 1980 for her work in a play in Chicago. One of my fellow students asked her to what she attributed her long and successful career. She answered, “Three square meals every day and a good night’s sleep.” Ms. Colbert admonished us for abusing our instruments by eating poorly and keeping late hours. I felt ashamed, as if I should have been able to control my dread of going to sleep.

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